Wisdom from Writers Who are Moms, Too

With Mother’s Day coming up this weekend, I thought it would be fun to gather some of the wisdom writers have shared here on Writing and Wellness.

All of the writers below are moms, and they have a lot to say about writing/life balance, finding time to write, and in the end, figuring out where your priorities are.

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“I’m still trying to find the right balance.”

Before I started writing, I was a stay-at-home mom and used every minute of every day to garden, cook, clean, do laundry, sort out closets, volunteer, organize areas of the house, make appointments, drive kids to activities, repair something, bake cookies for the class, make chore-charts, etc.

Then I started writing. But it was only for a couple of hours a day, so I could still make time for everything with only minor adjustments.

As time went on, however, and the first book was published and then promotion began in earnest, followed by another novel, and then another . . . my day quickly began to get eaten up with just writing responsibilities.

Now I write full time, but I haven’t quite given up my full-time mom job, either! So that makes for a very tired, stressed person.

I’m still trying to find the right balance. My husband has been really great in helping, but his career is in full-swing right now, too, so he’s limited in how much he can realistically do. I know I need to let go of more or get the kids to help more (easier said than done), but it’s difficult.

I feel like I’m leading two complete lives, but I only have one body and only so many hours to sleep. There are many writers I know, though, who have full-time jobs, a family to care for, and still make time to write, so that’s three separate lives. I give them a lot of credit; I can barely do two!

~Michelle Cox, author of A Ring of Truth

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“Planning reduces my stress level.”

At this start of 2017, I also started using The Authorlife Planner. This one book has helped me not only plan my year, month, week and each day, it has also given me a realistic picture of what I can accomplish in a given period.

Tracking how long it takes me to write, edit, and market a new book has allowed me to plan realistically, which helps me to reduce feelings of disappointment.

I tend to believe I can do the impossible, which isn’t always a good thing. I have three really busy kids. Sometimes they get sick and have to stay home from school. Occasionally I need to sleep (like every sixteen hours or so).

The planner is reducing my stress level because I have a plan, I build in time to get caught up, and I am far more organized, which means I won’t forget small but important tasks.

~M. J. Summers, author of The Royal Treatment

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“Working from home had an impact on my mental health.”

As a young mom, I left medical school after only one year, unable to find the right balance in my life.

When I found a job working in admissions and teaching Latin at the Waldorf School my kids’ attended, I was thrilled and committed. It perfectly suited my desire to be a hands-on parent and have a meaningful professional career.

But when my children got older and I started thinking about what was next for me, the only path that allowed me to fully let go of my medical school dream was writing.

As I transitioned into this new venture, I was thrilled by the creativity and flexibility I found. But working in the arts, and working from home, have both definitely had an impact on my mental health and well-being.

With my previous job, I interacted with prospective parents, my fantastic colleagues, and my students every day. Now, I live predominantly in my own head.

It’s been a huge change and a huge challenge. Don’t get me wrong, most days I love what I do and I love the lifestyle it has afforded me in terms of freedom and independence, but I’ve also had to deal with some emotional issues that I had no idea were lurking in my psyche.

I’ve had to resurrect some effective habits from my previous career and develop some brand new ones in order to stay productive and emotionally healthy in this writer’s life.

~Tabitha Lord, author of Horizon

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“At times my children’s stories are way more intriguing than my own.”

Having three young kids also helps overcome my sedentariness.

Not only must I run after my toddler, but I also have to chauffeur my two older ones to and from activities. Yes, I’m sitting, this time in a car, but at least, it propels me out of my writing cave into sunshine-filled air.

And it forces my buzzing mind off my story and onto my childrens’—which are at times way more intriguing than my own.

~Olivia Wildenstein, author of Ghostboy, Chameleon, and the Duke of Graffiti

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“I don’t write in the evenings anymore, because it was stealing time from my family.”

There is a sacred hour or two to be found between four a.m. and dawn—when the kitchen is secretive and dark before you click the small light above the stove into existence and get the coffee going.

A hushed expectancy holds the sleeping household in its grasp and in this window of time I write, my fingers flying over the keyboard, smelling perking coffee, watching as sunlight begins to tint the day.

I don’t write in the evenings anymore, because it was stealing time from my family. My middle daughter once asked, “Why do you stare at the computer so much, Mom?” and guilt proceeded to swamp me.

Writing is my job and I work from home, so finding and maintaining a balance between writing and real life is crucially important.

~Abbie Williams, author of Soul of a Crow

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“It wasn’t until I got older that I realized my potential.”

If you’d have asked me what I wanted to be in high school (40 years ago) I’d have said a “stay at home mom with four kids.”

While that is a terrific goal, I had no expectations for myself with a career. I loved to write, but for some reason felt I wasn’t qualified.

I sold myself short on a lot of things back then. It wasn’t until I got older that I realized my potential. We all have it, we just have to tap into it.

~Jill Hannah Anderson, author of The To-Hell-and-Back Club

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“I will never regret devoting more time to my kids.”

I am a mom/stepmom to three children who are all one year apart. By the time my first two novels had released, my kids were at an age where they could really benefit from extra time from me, so I gave it to them.

For that time I did very few book signings, I stopped spending money and time on writing conferences, and I did not pursue publication of future novels at the same pace as I had planned.

I came to a point where I knew I had my whole life to write books, but my kids were growing up faster than I could blink.

Devoting more time to them is something I will never regret.

~Tina Ann Forkner, author of Waking Up Joy

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“I had to be a good example for my daughters.”

During our conversation, Margie [my writing mentor] told me if I quit on my dream, I would be showing my young daughters that quitting was okay.

That giving up was acceptable.

That was a life lesson I didn’t want to teach my daughters and that thought kept me focused on my writing goals and dreams, despite the rejections and doubt.

One of my best days was getting the call from my editor. My oldest daughter was in the car when that call came in. She ran inside the pool to tell her coach and entire swim team that her mom was going to be published.

I think my family celebrated even more than me and they continue to support and encourage me in this unpredictable, but fulfilling writing life.

~Cari Lynn Webb, author of The Charm Offensive

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“Writing gave me something else to think about when times were hard.”

I began writing in the ‘70s, and my first book, The Witchstone, was picked up by a traditional publisher the same year my oldest son was born.

Parenthood kept me busy until ‘84, when I wrote The Ring of the Dark Elves, a retelling of the Norse legend of Sigurd Fafnirsbane. I wrote mostly short stories until starting on my dystopian trilogy Children in Hiding, and published two books of short stories after that.

My goals in writing have been writing to stay sane, to have something else to think about when times were hard, as they were occasionally during the 17 years I was a single parent.

The biggest emotional challenge during those years was not being taken seriously as a writer or an intelligent person. A single mother with two small children faced many obstacles during those years, and still does, I am sure. I didn’t even attempt to find a traditional publisher for The Ring, but published it as POD. I plan to make it into an ebook before too long.

~Victoria Randall, author of The Golden Helm

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“I cope by setting realistic daily writing goals.”

I would have to say my biggest challenge is trying to balance it all.

I want to focus on my writing, but I have to take time out for my family and promotion. It can be challenging to juggle it all.

I’ve coped with this challenge by setting realistic daily writing goals. I’ve also created a marketing plan that’s very flexible, so I can work things around my family.

It’s important to me to put my kids first, especially when they’re at this young age.

~Lisa Orchard, author of The Super Spies and the Cat Lady Killer

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“The whole adage about a working parent being able to have it all is utter crap.”

How do you raise your kids, edit your book, eat, sleep, put on real clothes, nurture your marriage, tend the garden, keep your house, get horses worked (or whatever daily goal you have) without something being sacrificed?

Saying you can “have it all” is setting yourself up for stress, frustration, disappointment, and some pretty epic meltdowns when deadlines are looming, kids are crying, you haven’t spent a single minute with your spouse, there’s a mountain of laundry and an empty refrigerator, you have no idea what you’re going to make for dinner, and you haven’t showered in three days.

If you’re anything like me, you wonder what’s wrong with you, what you could do better/faster/more, how someone different could take your life circumstances and mine more success from it. Having been there, this is my answer: there’s nothing wrong with you. You cannot have it all. You can have a lot, but it’s still going to cost you.

I have learned to set priorities. My family comes first, which is a no brainer. This means my writing career will be a slower trajectory than I hoped. I have so many ideas for new stories in my head. But I have three kids at my feet, and they are changing by the moment.

My baby turned one today. My six-year-old is big enough for the big kids clothing section at Target and can read whole books. My two-year-old has just this week seemed to morph from a tubby toddler into a lanky little girl. They need me. They need me to play, to fix, to find, to watch, to show, to hug, to listen, and, above all else, to be present. I cannot be all of these things for them and be squirreled away in my office at the same time.

My husband has become very supportive, and will take the kids out of the house when he’s home so I can have half a day to buckle down and focus. I also have a publisher who understands that I am a mother with small children, and twice I have had to ask for extensions. She knows I work hard, and she’s happy to help me do my best work. The combination of a supportive family and a flexible publisher is the only way I can have a lot.

~Jadie Jones, author of Wildwood