Are relationship problems sapping your motivation to write?
If so, you’re not alone.
In a recent Writing and Wellness survey, several writers expressed their concern about this. Our relationships are important to us, and when there’s conflict or underlying stress, it’s often so pervasive that can quickly rob us of the energy and motivation we need to write.
Being in this sort of situation is difficult, but it’s not hopeless. Below are five suggestions for how you can cope and get yourself back into your story.
1. Recover Your Motivation to Write by Writing About Your Problems
Writing is magical. Studies have found that when we free write about our problems, we feel better.
In a 2006 study, for instance, nearly 100 young adults were asked to spend 15 minutes on one of three tasks:
- Journaling about a stressful event
- Drawing about a stressful event
- Writing about their plans for the day
The participants performed one of these three tasks twice during one week.
The results showed that the people who journaled saw the biggest reduction in symptoms like depression, anxiety, and hostility, particularly if they were very distressed to begin with. This was true even though 80 percent had seldom journaled about their feelings and only 61 percent were comfortable doing so.
If you’re a writer and you’re experiencing a stressful time in your relationship, you’re lucky, because you can write about it! Not only will that get you back to writing, but it will also help you process your emotions in a healthy way.
Even better if you can turn your current conflict into a story. You can always change the characters to protect everyone’s identity!
Here’s one more benefit to journaling regularly about this issue: Over time, it’s likely to give you increased insight into what’s going on in your relationship. What’s difficult to see when you’re in the midst of the problem is often easier to figure out when you gain some distance from it, then go back and re-read your journal entries. You may be amazed at what you discover.
2. Rekindle Your Motivation to Write by Getting Away
Sometimes, it’s best to stick around and “work” on your relationship to fix the problems.
But other times, all that does is get you and the other person into a vicious cycle of repeating the same old destructive patterns.
If this is happening to you, it’s time to get away. Take a long weekend or a week or two (if you can) to get out of the situation you’re in. Pack your bags and go somewhere else. Stay with friends or family if you want, or get a hotel in a nearby town.
It’s amazing how much a little distance can help when it comes to dealing with our problems. We can be much more objective when we’re not in the middle of the stress and drama, and you may be able to come up with some solutions where your relationship is concerned.
Of course, you can also use this time to write. You’re out of the stressful atmosphere, so pull out your laptop and get back into your story. Try not to worry about whether the writing is any “good.” Don’t be concerned about how far behind you are. Just use the time to remind yourself that you are a writer while rekindling your joy in the act of writing.
If you can manage it, you’ll not only start making some writing progress again, but you’ll probably feel better emotionally too. We writers need to write. When we’re doing it regularly, we feel more centered and at peace.
3. Save Your Motivation to Write by Using It As an Escape
If relationship problems are exhausting you, change your mindset about your writing.
Instead of seeing your story as your latest masterpiece—or your novel as your next chance at literary greatness—see your writing as a good friend.
Put aside your hopes and dreams for the bestseller’s list and just sit down and write for the fun of it. Let your imagination take you to an entirely different world where there are no relationship problems—only evil overlords about to wipe out the entire population (or whatever your storyline might be).
Writing can serve as a delightful mode of escape if we allow it to. Just remember how good you feel after writing an exciting scene. It’s a much better feeling than the one you probably have after watching hours of television, right?
Remind yourself of that fact and use the time you have to write something fun, outrageous, or horrific—the choice is up to you. Let your emotions run wild on the page. Put your characters through hell—or take them on a romantic getaway where everything is perfect.
Stop requiring your writing to be brilliant and just let it be what you need it to be for the moment.
4. Regain Your Motivation to Write by Respecting the Value of What You Write
When other things are going wrong in our lives, what saps our motivation to write is the belief that our writing doesn’t matter.
It’s incredibly common when you’re feeling stressed to fall victim to this belief.
“I’m never going to be a bestselling author anyway,” you may say, “so why does it matter?”
I don’t know what it is about stress that does this to us, but I’ve experienced it too. When life goes wrong, often the first thing to vanish is the motivation to write because I mistakenly believe that it’s a useless endeavor anyway.
When we’re feeling good and other things are going well, it’s easier to feel hope that what we create may be of value to someone else.
But when our emotions go south and our energy drops, believing that can be nearly impossible.
That means to regain your motivation to write, you first have to inspire the belief that what you write matters.
Here’s how you do that—you forget about everyone else for the moment. Forget about other people reading what you write. Forget about sales. Remind yourself that your writing matters…to you.
Imagine a musician who couldn’t play or a doctor who couldn’t heal. A pilot who couldn’t fly or a mom who couldn’t parent. When what we feel compelled to do is taken away from us, we don’t feel like ourselves. Something is missing.
You have the power to restore that missing element and rebuild your confidence and vitality. You just have to be brave enough to sit down with your laptop and write.
Remind yourself that without writing, something is missing. If you’re not writing, you’re stressing yourself out even more, and what you don’t need right now is more stress.
So get back to writing, even if it’s only for 15 minutes a day. It’s important to you. And that’s enough.
5. Value Your Motivation to Write by Getting Help
I’ve purposely avoided giving out relationship advice in this post for a couple of reasons:
a) I’m not a psychiatrist, and
b) this is about you and your writing, and that’s where your focus should be.
But, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention this last step. The truth is that if your relationship is troubled enough that it’s seriously interfering with one of the key parts of you—your writing—your best solution may be to talk to a counselor.
A truly loving, beneficial relationship isn’t always perfect, but on the whole, it lifts us up and encourages us to go after our dreams. Relationships that tear us down or leave us depleted aren’t good for us in the long run.
A counselor can help you see more clearly where the issues lie and is likely to have some suggestions on how you can improve your situation.
THIS IS CRITICAL: Never apologize for the fact that writing is important to you. Own that, and permit yourself to create a life that supports your writing dreams. That doesn’t mean abandoning everything else that matters in your life, but it does mean demanding a nurturing and peaceful atmosphere for yourself that at the very least, doesn’t destroy this important part of you.
How do you support your motivation to write amid relationship problems?
Featured photo by Ketut Subiyanto from Pexels.